So with this video I would like to share with you what I've come to define as being the emotional IQ
model and this model is a framework is a frame of reference so we can use to AIDS to be in view of better
understanding ourselves because the journey in life is a journey of self discovery.
And as we discover more about ourselves we come to understand more about ourselves.
And as we come to understand more about yourself we come to understand more about how the world those
aren't how other people work also.
So when there's value to help you understand what it is I'm about to share with you.
I would like you to consider a scenario an imaginary scenario where I think I would like to picture
yourself in doing an office job somewhere.
No I have no idea what your background is or your profession is or any of these sorts of things but
just just for illustration purposes I would like to picture yourself as an office worker.
I know as an office worker you're kind of an office junior.
So no one year is taken yet with that particular least seriously.
Sometimes she get spoken down too.
Sometimes people try to take advantage of the speech like a bit of a fool because you're the youngest
or the newest member of the team.
So they haven't yet come to fully nor year or fully respect you know someone in the office speaks to
you in such a completely disrespectful way.
This is something like hoyte gone past me.
Some piece of paper for the printer.
Then he would say please know you're in this new job you're in this new role right and you need the
money to pay your bills or else I'm not asking you how you would respond.
Just ask me to consider how this alternative version of you may respond in this role in this situation.
See I've got a lot of bills and he paid he can't afford to lose his job.
You can just go and you know Star arguments with the longest serving members of the team why the managers
are the bosses because you can again fire at the race.
You can't do that.
So I would like you just to go with me here and imagine that this person spoke to you in a completely
disrespectful way.
And then you go to the stationary cupboard to get this pack of paper.
But how are you feeling inside.
Right.
I'm not asking you here what you may or may not say how you're feeling inside.
And if I was to suggest here that haven't been spoken to in a completely disrespectful way from someone
that you don't even respect you most likely going to be feeling something between anger and frustration.
Though Please bear in mind that here you were watching Scotland's ex angriest man teaching you this
course.
And for me I know what anger means for me.
Anger can actually sometimes be a little bit closer to rage right.
Like this big Allworth barring lava that just bubbles up inside.
Sometimes when people either turn their backs on me reject me or judge me I hate that so much like you
wouldn't possibly believe and it triggers a somewhat normal response of anger and rage inside any sort
this person spoke to you in a completely disrespectful way your way though getting the paper from the
stationery cupboard and you're feeling what inside.
I know what I'd like to do is just stop and consider the natural progression of things.
What happens once anger has gone because we don't stay angry forever do we.
Anger is one of these emotions that more is more of a reaction to the situations and circumstances that
we find ourselves.
Anger just if you think about it just jump break into anger.
We it's like a fight response moments in or people jump into this or people act like this all the time.
But most people if they don't actually respond or act anger out they still feel internally.
Some people are just better.
Others are hiding at all.
So once we've acted out in anger that I can think back and back about 12 years ago I was working at
a bank at the time.
After having recently left the Army.
And I hated it.
And I had this bank manager this bank manager was just a skinny little man.
He was really nerdy and I had no respect from whatsoever no respect from whatsoever in my eyes.
He was just a pen pusher.
There was an old enough or brave enough to get out and get a real job.
We stuck behind a desk for years and know he was a bank manager.
Now I've got nothing against bank managers and if you're a bank manager watch unless there's nothing
personal or anything like that this is just how I saw things at the time this little man would speak
to me in such a derogative way.
He would say you me Ramsey.
No I used to get called Ramsey from a training court roles in the army and a respected these guys.
So I didn't have a problem.
And this guy commy Ramsey Ramsey your two minutes late.
Ramsey now reports not been finished on time.
Ramsey and what he sounded like in my eight years was like whingeing nagging woman like a like an old
woman that's got nothing better to do than complain.
And bear in mind back then I was doing my very best to transition well from military to civilian life.
All right.
And then still we will talk about transitions or later on in the course because this is going to be
a huge topic and problem that people will come to you for.
For life coaching.
So here I am I am in this transition trying not to offend people and act out in the way that I previously
would have done in the Army.
And this man is just speaking to me in such a completely disrespectful way.
I think I even are mumbled something under my breath said you.
You you effing Now are you effing Dhikr or something like that.
So it was it was loud enough for him to hear but not hear as well.
I make sense.
So I wanted him to hear.
But I also wanted him not to hear at the same time.
And as soon as had said that I'd gone downstairs to do something else.
I knew that he'd stood up.
I knew that he inherited me and I've gone from anger into Ah.
Hush said that.
If he's if he's heard me I'm I'm still on probation.
I'm still on trial here.
I could lose my job.
What happens if I lose my job.
We're up for this job.
Ok I couldn't believe it.
And if you see here the anxiety and fear is kind of a natural progression leads on from where there's
a we act out in anger and frustration.
It's the it's the next part of the process if you like sometimes will feel anxious or or fearful about
comments about future potential scenarios because we haven't done the things that we wanted to do.
Some people will feel anxious in fear for their vess or apprehensive of outcome stemming from things
that they have done.
Others will feel anxious and fearful of what comes in future scenarios because of things that they haven't
said or that they haven't done.
If that makes sense.
So then once we're in anxiety and fear what is very very easy or I find it very easy I'm hoping you
can relate on some level to then step right into what I would define as being guilt and shame.
And this is when Where were you then worrying about what the future is going to bring and then restart
beating yourself up.
How come police said this shooter said that I'm stupid I'm a fool and we start beating ourselves up
no guilt and shame.
Is this is just all about the words we say to ourselves when we're beating yourself up.
No.
If you've never beat yourself up for it I think you're a better human being than I know right.
Most people do.
And if you don't ever beat yourself up that's fantastic.
You're going to be a fantastic life coach some day if you never struggle with anxiety and fear or anger
and frustration.
And that means that you are in complete self control complete control of your emotions.
You should be teaching this stuff in universities or in the world.
But if you are like me and you are an Irish human being then you're going to struggle with all of this
stuff in some way in some context.
I want to show you here very very quickly what happens once we've gone down this road because once we've
stepped in to go in shame and beating ourselves up these thoughts pop into our heads.
I'm useless.
I'm stupid or believe a bunch of shoot then.
That was completely unnecessary within walking down how spiral.
No medical professionals mental health professionals psychologists would refer to this forward moving
notion.
As people being n are pre.
Neurotic.
State.
Prunier or extinct.
So versus cycle ledge just a psychological context for this emotional floor movement process if you
like.
This is what psychologists and medical professionals would refer to pre neurotic state premia Tauruses
a new neurotic ism.
I think it's called and this is when we're still moving forward.
I'm still working towards that goal.
But the problem is once we've reached this place has nowhere else to go because if a thought pops into
our mind and then we validate it.
I'm stupid and worthless something.
Then what happens next.
That's right a down hill spiral and this is one we buy into the thoughts of are useless.
Worth less.
Helpless.
Hall less.
No.
Are we seeing all of this stems from acting out in an office.
And the answer is No.
What I'm seeing here is that every action that we take everything that we see everything we do and the
potential consequences of these actions we are reflecting back and comparing to a whole lifetime of
experiences what were really pointing towards here is more the realm of beliefs.
If people act out or or behave in a way that kind of validates a destructive belief that fundamentally
already have about themselves what they're just doing here is validating belief and this will then trigger
what we refer to as low self-esteem.
Already established stems from a law.
Self worth.
Sort comment back here then to self esteem which I've already discussed briefly and the Course will
going to look at this and a bit more detail in the next section.
Self-esteem yes is how we feel about ourselves but self-esteem is an emotion or a feeling specifically
within itself the right self-esteem more generally attached itself to law.
Negative emotional state.
Depression for example.
Most doctors medical professionals.
Well the fine law or a negative emotional state as being depressive behaviour or depression the illness
psychologists would refer to this downhill spiral as neurotic state.
Neurotic neurotic neurotic.
Before stepping into neurotic neurotic which is a depressive state and depressive state which is just
a low or motional state law emotional state works hand in hand with self esteem self esteem which comes
from a person's low self worth self worth which are limiting beliefs of uselessness worthlessness helplessness
and hopelessness.
So self-esteem within itself is actually an emotion.
Yes it's how we feel about ourselves as a generalization.
But this is going to be a generalization of the vile you that we place upon ourselves.
The value that we place upon ourselves is our perceived self worth or our perceived intrinsic value
and that within itself the value that we place upon ourselves nine times and we are allowed to be determined
by how it is other people treat us or respond to us.
So for me for example is the bank manager the bank manager who speaks to us in a completely derogative
way or the person in the office who spoke to me in a completely disrespectful way.
What if you fundamentally believe that you're not worth much then this could potentially or having something
like this happen to you could then just trigger the emotional reaction of uselessness worthlessness
helplessness hopelessness which would then therefore bring about a state of low self-esteem.
No.
We've talked about falling down to the hole.
The reason why we refer this to we would refer to this as the hole is because once were in their house
it's a lot harder to get out.
Then what are those more story and Prince rhotic state psychologists and the psychological textbooks
will refer to this place here as being neurotic.
The neurotic state some doctors would define neuroticism as depression or depression as neuroticism
neuroticism.
When we just fundamentally give up and we accept their thoughts.
We've thought about ourselves or the beliefs we've already developed without any flexibility or wiggle
room to move.
It's where we fundamentally comment to firmly take hold of an established belief or an assumption that
either someone has made about us or one that we've already developed about ourselves.
OK self-esteem stirs stems from self-worth self-worth stems from how useless worthless helpless and
hopeless we are.
For a bigger and brighter future you with me comprendo do so new tort neuroticism is about this downhill
spiral right downwards querist premiere of tiggers still about.
We're still moving forward.
Still go for it.
No here's the thing.
The reason that I've built this is of course to help you become slightly more aware of this is because
of someone is down here around someone who is down here operating in this place often neuroticism of
uselessness worthlessness helplessness and hopelessness.
Then they're building.
They are all life upon a very low perceived self worth.
And if that's the case that doesn't matter what models or techniques are practices you throw them away.
You can set as many goals with them as they want as you want but realistically they are not going to
have the drive or the degree of self belief to go and take any action.
Coaching is all about action.
What I'm seeing here is when people reach this stage in life what they need is more of a talking therapy.
Perhaps counselling or to self educate themselves through perhaps even watching courses like this from
a life coaching context.
I will not ever work with anyone who comes to me with depression because coaching is not about helping
people to feel better is actually about coaching people towards becoming better.
If we can only do if we've already taken full responsibility for the part we play in our own emotional
well-being and our own results in life.
So I hope that all of this makes sense.
There is a book that I could recommend to you right now.
However it's a very unusual one and has written a very unusual contex.
The book is called Christ empowered living by a Welsh Christian counsellor called Cell news.
No I'm not recommending this book because I'm a religious guy trying to impose my religious beliefs
on here.
This was really a book that I that I read go back quite a number of years ago whilst I was doing my
very very best to understand my wife's perspective because whilst my background was military curran's
who you'll meet later on in the course or car was born and raised in the Church of Scotland.
Saw where I had never had any religious experience whatsoever.
Currence Whole Life was one big fat religious experience so I read Christian books to understand what
it was that Christians believed in view of the study my wife and that's actually where I was initially
introduced to this framework.
Know pretty much most of the rest of the book Kind this mess didn't take too seriously but this is one
model that made huge sense to me.
So I'm going to recommend that book to you if you two can also excuse and look beyond the religious
context which is written and you'll also find huge value in it or the way it is a tough read or write
a promise.
It's a very tough read but this depends on how deep your worries go.
Attached to this video however there is are many work book is all about emotional awareness and emotional
intelligence.
So I encourage you to print that off have a read through a few Q Questions and answers or encourage
you to spend five or 10 minutes working through it.
And I look forward to seeing again in the next video a home that they have really found found this video
of what I've shared here insightful and helpful.